overwhelmed.

So, I’m driving today and I get the thought “If you just take your hands off the wheel for just a moment, you would drive over the cliff.” I envision the guardrail bowing courteously to let my vehicle through. The tumble. The impact. I’m jarred back to reality, where I’m still driving, hands on the wheel.

Then I’m going to school. I’m waiting to cross 5th Avenue’s 4 lanes of traffic. A metro bus is whizzing down the lane closest to the sidewalk, to me. Unexpectedly, the notion of lurching in front of it pops into my head. My mind plays the situation out once more.

Today, I realized that daily life is chock-full of death scene opportunities. They’re everywhere. Just staring me in the face, taunting me. My brain is an unvarying revolving wheel of choices. Do you want to die this way? How about this? “Choose me, and no one will ever know you did it yourself at all!”

I’ve been fixated with death and dying since at least the age of 11 or 12. Maybe forever. Sometimes I wonder if other people have this problem. If there are others similar to me, do they still exist and breathe? Or have they succumbed to the steady pressure? The thoughts appear so swiftly, I can never recognize what caused them.

 It’s just me. I HAVE A GLITCH. My brain is a fountain that constantly emits unwarranted Exit Strategies.

 No, I don’t want to die. But, it troubles me that these thoughts are my most inborn nature. The deepest kind, with no trail of thoughts conjuring up these images. Just boom, “Wanna die?” It’s as if death were blasé.

 Death is the EASY way out. I observe all the people around me, Living, with no difficulty at all. Living, just as simple as they’re breathing. But, Living is the tricky part. Or, at least it is for a girl like me.