melting.

I am fucking distracted.
 I have walked around numb for three days now. Just not feeling anything, frozen. More “oh that’s nice.” and “I see.” And “I am trying to pretend like I give a shit, but it isn’t fucking working. I’m sorry.”

Maybe I’ll marry a surgeon. He’ll discover me perfectly suitable, once he extracts my foot from its permanent dwelling in my mouth. A lot of men perceive me as Perfectly Suitable. I can’t appreciate why girls settle for that. I don’t know. I just Can’t settle. For anything less than THIS IS IT. All capitals. Permanent marker. Tattooed behind my eyes and burning into my skull. Yes, that.

I’ve realized that I’ve never actually been in love with anyone. There’s been unrequited, yes. Lust. Purely sexual adoration and longing. Obsession. Idealistic over-romanticizing. Tortured and controlled, mentally and physically abused me chalking it up to love and calling it a day. But the real kind of love? Nope. Don’t think so.

It’s peculiar. I need to use two hands to calculate the number of boys/men who have professed their love for me. But, I don’t even require one finger to count the number of men I’ve loved. I don’t believe I ever really had the capacity to love anyone until recently. Something about my heart being Broken. Cue the montage of me wearing my pajamas, dirty hair, huge bowl of cereal, romantic comedies on a 24 hour loop, yelling at the television. But no, that wasn’t me at all. It’s just that the only thing I could ever count on, that I kept on the backburner, had vanished. And I didn’t know how to DEAL. So, I did what I do best: to wholly pretend like it wasn’t happening. Ignorance isn’t bliss; it’s how I get by.

Ultimately, I had to beat it into my thick skull. THIS IS HAPPENING WETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT. (and it’s for the best, silly girl. It’s for THE BEST.) So dust yourself off, and get moving. Start living. Remember what that’s like? Oh no, you don’t. Well, you’ll learn. A girl like you has her wits about her. Just watch what everyone else is doing. Mimic. You’ll figure it out.

… and I am.


It’s strange to feel my icy exterior melting. I’m quite sweet underneath, and annoyingly fucking sensitive. There are times when the open air touches lightly on a part previously kept behind heavy, impenetrable walls, and I recoil, shocked into my bones. (It’s exciting. I smile. I laugh.)

There are also times, like now, that I retreat. Unwilling to feel for a second, a day, a week. Truthfully, that’s my gut reaction to anything new. A person, words, a situation.. will stun me for a moment, that proverbial panic will explode in my chest, my heart will miss a beat, and I’ll hide. Except now, all the good hiding spots are taken, or they’re filled in with cement. So I freeze briefly, processing. The numbness, it will subside.


…maybe tomorrow.